Do you know a child who has been labeled as manipulative, lazy, or naughty? Do you instead see a struggling kid in need of support and understanding? If you believe “children do well if they can,” go ahead and throw negative labels out the window and consider the two major tenets set forth by Dr. Ross W. Greene, Associate Clinical Professor in the Department of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School and originator of the Collaborative Problem Solving (CPS) approach.

Dr. Greene’s research shows first, that social, emotional, and behavioral challenges in kids are best understood as the byproduct of lagging cognitive skills (rather than, for example, as attention-seeking, manipulative, limit-testing, or a sign of poor motivation); and second, that these challenges are best addressed by resolving the problems that are setting the stage for challenging behavior in a collaborative manner (rather than through reward and punishment programs and intensive imposition of adult will).

In his book, The Explosive Child, Dr. Greene explains that challenging behaviors (e.g., screaming, swearing, defying, hitting, crying, withdrawing) indicate a child is struggling, and that it is up to adults to identify lacking skills in order to make a positive difference that can address these behaviors.

While not complicated, collaboratively resolving problems with children isn’t easy for many adults, particularly those who lean toward an authoritarian style. The good news is, with practice, CPS can work wonders. By following these steps, adults can set clear expectations, substitute agreements for excuses, and improve a child’s challenging behaviors by helping him overcome lagging skills.

Step 1: Show Empathy
Gather information so as to achieve the clearest understanding of the kid’s concern or perspective about a given unsolved problem (such as completion of homework or chores, sibling or peer interactions, teeth brushing, screen time, diet, curfew, and so forth).
Step 2: Define Problem
Enter into consideration adult concerns on the same unsolved problem.
Step 3: Brainstorm solutions
Arrive at a plan of action that is both realistic and mutually satisfactory in other words, a solution that addresses both concerns.

As these steps are followed [pdf], children and their adult caretakers can learn to resolve disagreements and disputes in a collaborative, mutually satisfactory manner.